dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
