she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
