she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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