On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
