btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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