Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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