she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
two words: eviction party
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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