I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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