He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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