so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
