I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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