The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
