His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
