He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
