right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
