dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
We named our party play list daddy issues
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I haven't been this sober since birth.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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