girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
