I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
