Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
And my parents said I crawled through the house
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
