So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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