made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
