he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
