Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
