OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
