tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
