Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My feet surprised me
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
