I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
