Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My ATM looks so different sober.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
