a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
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