shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
