Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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