i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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