Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
