Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
