sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
