last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
