Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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