Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
