sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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