Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
