That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
