god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
