Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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