Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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