I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
