i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
