I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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