your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
