do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
