i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
