He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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