I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
